Before I became a mother, I was a very busy bee. I was very active in church activities, the 4-H program, and going to endless seminars to earn continuing education credits for my nursing license. I also enjoyed spending time with friends and going on lots of dates and weekend trips with my wonderful husband.
However, when I became a mother my life was changed forever. Anything that didn't involve my daughter took a back seat to spending time with her. Returning to work after having Caroline was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. My husband will attest to this because he was the one who held me and told me everything would work out while I cried the two days before. I was upset and sad for many different reasons that were mostly guided by fear. Fear that I would be letting my daughter down by not spending as much time with her as other mothers may be able to spend with their children. Fear that others would judge me for leaving my child with a sitter while they stayed home with theirs. But most of all, I was afraid that because of the time I would be spending away from her while at work, my daughter would think that someone else was her mother instead of me. This was the thought that plagued me for the longest time. As a result, when I wasn't working, I took on a hermit-type lifestyle, not really wanting to go anywhere or do anything that didn't involve Caroline. I would beat my self up mentally for wanting to go out for an afternoon alone with my husband. If Caroline would get a little cold, or the slightest hint of a fever, I felt like an absolute monster for leaving her with someone else, even my husband. I could not mentally or emotionally give myself permission to be away from my daughter for anything that wasn't work. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this was not healthy for my marriage or my sanity. But the biggest part of new-motherhood is giving yourself time, and others giving you time as well, to get over your crazy thought processes and get back to a happy, manageable lifestyle. I still take Caroline just about everywhere I go, but it's because I want to, not because I'll feel like a monster if I don't. And though it doesn't happen often, Craig and I do go on the occasional date, and I do take some time for myself to get my hair done, go shopping, etc. So things eventually fell back into place, and the obsessive thinking eventually faded for the most part. It still hangs around a little, but that is okay. I didn't have a child so that I could leave her with someone every chance I get. The left over thoughts have had a positive twist, and have turned what used to be mundane day to day activities into memorable moments. Going to the grocery store isn't the chore that it used to be because now I take Caroline with me, and it's just another opportunity for us to spend time together. Another event that some may think seems silly to celebrate but to us would seem silly not to, is no other than "Happy Platypus Day." For those of you who are not familiar, Perry the Platypus is one of the many characters on our family's favorite cartoons, Phineas and Ferb. He is a secret agent disguised as a domesticated platypus. Sounds weird, but he really is awesome. Today, Disney celebrates "Happy Platypus Day" so we thought we'd celebrate it too! We started with "P" shaped pancakes (for "Agent P" as Perry is known by his boss), and pictures in a Perry the Platypus headband made especially for Caroline! The moral of this entire verbally diarrhea'd story is to treasure the little moments with your family because it's usually those moments that we take for granted.
-I Corinthians 13:13
amen to that, sister!! how precious that you can share these very intimate thoughts with the world. You are such a gift. xoxo
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